Wednesday, February 16, 2011

OCD as a way to control depression?

Sometimes I want to die. Sometimes I think that everyone hates me, that I've done something terribly wrong without realising it, that everyone misunderstands my motivations and thus misinterprets all my actions, that everyone thinks I am really pathetic and lonely and have an unfulfilling life, that I am uptight, that I have the wrong values, that there is no point in trying to do anything because I am useless, etc etc.
I would say that this sounds like a description of depression.

But I also feel incredibly ashamed when I feel like this. I imagine that if I committed suicide people would laugh at how useless and weak I was. Feeling pathetic makes me feel more pathetic for feeling pathetic!

But I don't want these feelings to rule my life. I want ME to rule my life, and I am distinct from these feelings. So how do I control my life rather than the feelings controlling my life?

I become incredibly proactive, organised, hardworking, positive, clean, tidy, efficient, on time, and so on. Essentially I become OCD.

It makes me wonder if sometimes the difference between people with depression and people with OCD is that the former have given in to the despair, while the latter are fighting it; but that both are a response to the same emotions.

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