Thursday, October 8, 2009

OCD about the tidiness of the spaces in the blog

I had the colours in the blog below listed in alphabetical order, but the shape of them was all wrong. I have just edited them, and probably will do again. I am struggling with the fact that the text on the blog is "left align" and not "justify". I know I can change it, but am trying to resist. Having a blog is hard work. Everything on the page must be laid out in a certain way so as to be relaxed, smooth and tidy looking. I will now go and rearrange the icons on my desk top, before getting back to work...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Ordering Colours

Today I purchased a packet of tampons, but each one had a different color wrapper. I tipped them all out of their box, and spent the next hour organising the colours in a certain relation to each other. I hated the dark colour of the purple ones, and couldn't stand them being all grouped together. I had to arrange them so that each colour did not sit next to or adjacent to another of the same colour, or a similar colour. There wasn't an even amount of each colour some I couldn't come up with a formula. I was unable to do this to my satisfaction.

Blue
Pink
Green
Purple
Turquoise
Orange dark
Orange light




Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Waiting, and the shape of time.


Tonight my husband and I had planned to have an early dinner as he had to head back into work and I had intended to work on a book review, before knocking off later to unwind and watch a tv show before bed. Dinner didn't happen when we'd said. I paced around the house, completely anxious, while I waited for him to start cooking, and then to finish. I couldn't settle in to the book review knowing that I would soon be disrupted to sit down together and eat. After dinner he didn't leave as planned, he waited around to watch a show that he decided to watch at the last minute. I felt so anxious, waiting for him to leave. I couldn't start working knowing that he would soon leave, but not knowing when. It wasn't that I wanted him to leave, and there was no reason to feel anxious. But just knowing that something was going to happen soon and not having a set time for it made me feel panicky.
There are two things that bring on a panic attack. The first is waiting for something. If I have a meeting to be at in the afternoon, and nothing else all morning, I often find it incredibly hard to settle in to work. I will feel anxious all day until the meeting. I don't have to have any worries about the meeting, it's just the fact that I can't go about my day freely, there is something disruptive looming in the future. The second thing that bothers me, is the shape of a time period. I wanted to have dinner straight away after work, sit down for a smooth 3 hours, and then be interrupted for the tv show. Instead, the evening was spliced into a million (ok, only 3) little pieces, my work on the book review continually interrupted.
Consequently, I had a panic attack before he left. I broke down in tears; that I hadn't completed my book review goal for the day. The world felt like it was spinning out of control, just because we hadn't had dinner when we'd planned and I wasn't finished work in time for the tv show, and my evening had been broken up into pieces. I know that I'm being irrational but can't stop myself from feeling this way. As always, this is the torment of OCD. I feel like a complete crazy. I feel worthless.