Waiting, and the shape of time.

Tonight my husband and I had planned to have an early dinner as he had to head back into work and I had intended to work on a book review, before knocking off later to unwind and watch a tv show before bed. Dinner didn't happen when we'd said. I paced around the house, completely anxious, while I waited for him to start cooking, and then to finish. I couldn't settle in to the book review knowing that I would soon be disrupted to sit down together and eat. After dinner he didn't leave as planned, he waited around to watch a show that he decided to watch at the last minute. I felt so anxious, waiting for him to leave. I couldn't start working knowing that he would soon leave, but not knowing when. It wasn't that I wanted him to leave, and there was no reason to feel anxious. But just knowing that something was going to happen soon and not having a set time for it made me feel panicky.

There are two things that bring on a panic attack. The first is waiting for something. If I have a meeting to be at in the afternoon, and nothing else all morning, I often find it incredibly hard to settle in to work. I will feel anxious all day until the meeting. I don't have to have any worries about the meeting, it's just the fact that I can't go about my day freely, there is something disruptive looming in the future. The second thing that bothers me, is the shape of a time period. I wanted to have dinner straight away after work, sit down for a smooth 3 hours, and then be interrupted for the tv show. Instead, the evening was spliced into a million (ok, only 3) little pieces, my work on the book review continually interrupted.

Consequently, I had a panic attack before he left. I broke down in tears; that I hadn't completed my book review goal for the day. The world felt like it was spinning out of control, just because we hadn't had dinner when we'd planned and I wasn't finished work in time for the tv show, and my evening had been broken up into pieces. I know that I'm being irrational but can't stop myself from feeling this way. As always, this is the torment of OCD. I feel like a complete crazy. I feel worthless.